One of the highlights of the week was going with Mark Caldwell (missionary with IMB) along with church members to a church plant about 45 min outside of Khon Kaen. I wasn't sure what to expect, but ended up having a great time. I ended up teaching an impromptu english class to about eleven kids! I am still not sure if that was what I was supposed to do, but considering the circumstances, I thought it went pretty well :) I will say though, that the trip out to the church plant definitely put me outside of my comfort zone! My comfort zone is normally pretty big (either because I am comfortable doing a lot of things or I'm ignorant of the circumstances when I should feel uncomfortable), so it was interesting being in a situation when I really wasn't sure of expectations and didn't really feel "comfortable!" Definitely a growing experience, thus an uncomfortable success! On the way back to Khon Kaen, 4 students from the university and I had an impromptu worship session in the back of the car. I will not forget that 30 or so minutes spent singing worship songs in english and thai as I tried to figure them out on the guitar!
On a spiritual level, I think God is really revealing some deep heart issues. I can't remember whether I've written about this or not, so forgive me if you are reading a repeat! Two questions and one idea have been in my mind a lot while I've been here. The idea is the one I know I've mentioned several times before, and that is the idea of living and basking in the journey. God is being faithful to reveal how often I try to skip ahead to the next thing, and consequently miss what He is doing at that moment. Sherry Lewis mentioned the other day that God works primarily in us and not just through us. I'm realizing that so often, I block out what God is doing in and around me because I'm too busy focusing on what the next thing is that I can do. I don't want to live my whole life looking ahead and missing the present.
"If tomorrow is today, the future is the past. The present was never here; we never let it last. Eyes are in the distant, instead of looking down. Maybe if we started slowing, what was lost would soon be found."
Along with learning to live in journey, the two questions that I've really been wrestling with are: "What satisfies me?", and "Why do I enjoy/do ministry?"
I think as God peels away the layers of "impulse answers" in my heart, He is revealing to me the sad truth that I am not satisfied with just Him. God is revealing that perhaps some of my motivations for ministry are because I have a desire to feel needed, accomplished, or successful in my own eyes. God is revealing that while my idols are not the big golden buddhas I see quite often around here, my idols come in much more "christian forms" like ministry. Wait, ministry can be an idol? Yes, Ruth, it is an idol in your life. I revel so much in doing the things of God, that I fail to revel in God Himself. I can talk for days about exciting ministry opportunities, but fail to talk for days about the glory of the King Himself. My prayer for the new year was that I would return to my first love, not ministry, but the Lord of ministry. I continue to pray that I will be completely satisfied in God alone, so that my joy does not depend on wherever I am and whatever I'm doing. If I'm completely satisfied with God, I will not be jumping ahead to "the next thing" because I'll be content living in the journey with Him. God is faithful to reveal things hidden in the depths of my heart! "In Christ alone my hope is found!"Thank you for your prayers. Please continue to pray for a clear memory and an open and honest heart that is able to evaluate surroundings, conversations and lessons.
